Finding the motivation to leave an abusive relationship can be both confusing and challenging -- especially if the victim of abuse doesn't have a support system. One of the tactics of abusers is to isolate the victim from friends, family, and even from their work. When an abuse victim is helped to recognize this and other tactics, they can better begin to weigh what changes they need to make.
Stages of change may include:
Denial: "It isn't so bad. I can still change them if I just understand their problems and what they're facing. They did say things would change if I would just change..."
When a victim is in denial, they're still not recognizing the severity of the problem.
Contemplation: "They aren't repenting or admitting they've hurt me. They're either justifying it or denying it happened the way I perceived it. They're repeatedly promising, but not delivering on their promises."
At this point, the victim is weighing whether the serious problems they're facing should be called abuse. They're realizing it's not just anger,
but much more coercive and manipulative.
Preparation: "What will it take to get to where I can feel safe? Have I given warnings and haven't followed through? Are things getting worse? Maybe I'm becoming self doubting and need help preparing for the real possibility that I need to leave."
There is an imbalance of power that includes blame shifting, lack of mutuality and an attitude of entitlement-no change.
Change: "Have I spoken the truth and been clear about my boundaries? Have I responded without retaliation, speaking the truth in love? Am I dishonoring myself by staying? Would a therapeutic separation be needed for a reset? Will the person abusing me get help for their issues?"
Reversing the power dynamic can only happen by the victim taking back control and changing how they respond. This may mean leaving or separating in order for the victim's safety.
Only then will their healing process begin.
Prevention of relapse: "Do they still say they are only willing to change if I change? How do I know real change has occurred?."
In accordance with Matthew 18, confront the abuser one on one. If the person won't listen, bring others with you. If they are still unwiling to listen or repent, distance yourself from them. Separation becomes a time to recover and detach in order to see things more clearly.
Steven Johnston CPC PCC-S LLC
Clinical Pastoral Counselor
Supervising Clinical Counselor
